I will say that in elementary school I was able to fit in with almost all different crowds of people, but still felt that I was somewhat popular and in the "in" crowd.  When I entered junior high (grades 7-9) I wanted to maintain that feeling and if nothing else even move up a step or two.  There were 8 elementary schools that combined into one junior high.  I was now in a room with 3 people I had gone to school with since grade 1 and 21 or so others all in the same boat.  I saw this as a chance to move beyond being a brainiac and move into something more popular.  That didn't happen.

 

I became one of the people that was picked on the most.  Nothing I did or said was ever right and just caused more and more people to laugh at me and find some reason to tease me.  After junior high was senior high and everything continued on. 

 

I always thought that once I was out of high school, I would never be reminded of any of that again.  I didn't realize how hard it is to break out of conditioned responses.  I still have conditioned myself not to trust and to always assume that at the end of the day it is all a big joke and I am the punchline.

 

Back then people would pretend to be nice, pretend to be my friend, pretend to be interested, then something would happen and I would find myself being laughed at.  That always hurt.  The other night I came to realize that 15 years after graduation I still feel like that same person. 

 

I have this great guy in my life.  Even that was hard to say, not that I don't think he is great and amazing, but that I feel that I have just openned myself up to even more people laughing at me.  He was and still is one of those popular people that everyone loves.  He got to see me have a breakdown the other night as I explained to him that a huge part of me is waiting for him to stand back and laugh at me. 

 

He is moving back east for school until July.  We've decided to continue dating.  I know that I can do it, I will get insecure now and then, but I really care for him and like him in my life.  I want to trust him, I want to believe that he cares for me too.  How do you trust?

I am god, there is no doubt about it in my mind.  I am god.  Relax I am not suggesting you get down and worship me or erect huge monuments in my honor.  Truly we are all good like beings.  According to that over rated best seller, the bible, we were all created in god's imagine.  Deep down we all wish to have god's powers.  I have those powers, and so does everyone else!

 

Like god I have created the exact world that I am living in.  I have the power to change it at any time.  All the good and all the bad stuff that has happened to me and will happen to me is because of my doing.  I create my reality.  What I truly call for in my world comes to me.  What I don't want doesn't come to me.  It's the law of attraction.  What I resist will always be.  Watch the movie The Secret, read the Law of Attraction... figure out what vibration you are putting out into your world.  Take responsibility for what is in your wolrd and then celebrate the greatness of it or change it to rid yourself of what you don't want.  Design your world and call for it with the god-like powers you possess and become a god!

Looking back i have to say that I really had a great summer.  Yes there were some issues with money and making some poor choices, but at the end of it I had a blast!  I was truly good to me this summer.  I can almost say I was living it as if it were my last summer.  In many ways I came to see it as that and even was working on my exit strategy. 

One of the first things I did this summer was fire my coach.  I then stopped coaching and decided to take a totla break from anything and everything that had to do with the world of coaching.  I found that I was starting to make things up when I was being coached in order that I had something to "wor on " for that half hour.  I couldn't just enjoy and be with all the wonderfulness in my world.  I had designed and created a great place and truly enjoyed my world, yet I felt that I had to create problems with it just to continue to be coached.  I felt that I was being pushed by my coach to move in a direction that was more true to her plan for me than my plan for myself.  This was my fault completely, as I was trying to please here rather than be honest and ley her know I needed a break from the process. 

I thank ed her for the all the work she had done.  I would not be in the great place that I was without her.  I am a huge believer in the power of coaching!  Yet at the same time I found myself being a crisis line to people I was coaching.  They didn't want to look within themselves to learn how to design the life they wanted.  My clients wanted someone to just listen to them, not challenege them, just listen.  I know how important it is to be heard and not fixed.  The issue I had was i was not being paid nor was I trained to just listen.  That is a huge part of it but for my own slef I needed to take them deeper.  I tried to feel like being there listening was honoring them but after hearing the same thing over and over.... I couldn't listen to them not try and change things,  to just repeat the same choices and not take any responsibility for their world.  So I stopped.  I no longer coached and I no longer got coached.
I took a summer for me.  A summer that I only worried about me and what I wanted to do... or so I thought.  My plan was for drinks and friends on patios in the sun, floating down the river on hot days, laughing and enjoying my world!

sun, patio, martini, smoking, rain, coke, passport, customs, packing, weed, lines, date, 3 vodka, skin, shop, wed, sex, family, work, quit, cry, snort, breath, wind, kiss, touch, hurt, money, drugs, act, laugh, sleep, crash, drunk, dance, forget, new, flight, soar...

 

Each word describes my summer away from many things including myself.  The time feels right to start going thru and see what I learned about me this summer...